As many of you already know, I own my own production company, 605 Productions. Owning a business is a blast at times- it makes you feel like you are building something. There’s nothing more satisfying than watching an idea you came up with at the kitchen table almost three years ago become a business that is doing well and is moving in to brand new office space. It is a joy to wake up in the morning and know that I built this. I don’t answer to anyone but the customer, and be able to watch the business continue to bloom and grow.
Some of you may also know that I struggle with mental illness, which is a roller
coaster in and of itself. My diagnosis has changed more times than I can account, and sometimes things get better and sometimes things get worse. Some days are good, and some days it’s hard to bring myself to get out of bed and face the day. I’ve learned that some days it’s better to just stay in bed and rest, knowing that tomorrow is a new day. This becomes a problem, however, when you’re the only person to take phone calls for the business, and run day to day operations.
Among the things hindering my ability to function on a day to day basis are exhaustion, severe anxiety, mood swings, and consuming sadness. These are things that you probably don’t fully understand unless you or someone close to you experiences them too. It’s embarrassing to admit but there are days when I don’t get out of bed until after noon because of the lack of sleep I got over the night or the consuming hopelessness that makes getting out of bed feel like trying to bench press a one thousand pound weight.
When I get up and go on with my day, the trouble isn’t over. Anxiety can come crawling back at any moment. It could come from anything from an unexpected phone call to noticing a fast-approaching deadline. The hardest part is, there isn’t really anything I can do about it When it strikes, I never know what’ll happen. I might start shaking or hyperventilating, or I might just shut down and close myself off from the world. There is no way to control what happens either. (If this is something that you struggle with as a reader, I would greatly appreciate any tips that you may have).
Then, on top of the anxiety and exhaustion, there comes the mood swings. One of my diagnoses is Bipolar Type II, which sends some of my days on an emotional roller coaster. It’s like having a light switch in a different room controlled by a bored toddler. The cycles can go from a couple of times per day to a few times an hour. If you’re talking to me, you might notice this. I wish it wasn’t the case, but again, there isn’t a whole lot I can do about it.
So what can I do? Just keep going. Take each day one day at a time and everything will work out eventually. I just have to keep pushing and keep trying, and one day, it’ll be behind me.
